Things people say – (in the workplace)

Below are my translations of those things heard in or around the workplace. As such they really are open to interpretation…

When asked by a friend as to how you’re getting on in your job, you answer:
“It’s challenging”
Translation = I can’t tell you what I really think, it’s chaotic, and very demanding, like my superiors.

As part of a verbal job offer , the employer comes out with:
“I’ll look after you”
Translation (A) = Stick with us kid, this is the place to work. The opportunities and rewards are for the taking…
Translation (B) = This is not a pledge, so expect nothing from me. AKA You’re screwed.

On terms and conditions:
“We like to keep things fluid”
Translation = We make this up as we go along, and as such they are obviously subject to change. AKA What are ts and cs?

Boss on your salary:
“As you know we’re not the highest payers”
Translation = We pay what we can get away with and if you don’t like it pack your bags

The boss on hours:
“Some people work very long hours, you’re very much a 9 to 5 person”
Translation (A) = Some people work very long hours because we put them under extreme pressures, and they obviously love working here more than any family or social life
Translation (B) = Some people work very long hours because frankly they are inefficient and can’t manage their workloads.

Staff commenting on their boss:
“He’s an a**e”
Translation = He’s an a**e

Staff commenting on their boss:
“He’s an absolute nightmare”
Translation =  He’s an absolute nightmare

Boss on giving praise to staff
“Thanks”
Translation = Thanks

More on praise:
“Thanks, thanks very much, we really do appreciate your efforts”
Translation (A) = “Thanks, thanks very much, we really do appreciate your efforts”
Translation (B) = “Thanks for getting us out the s**t again”

On office vibes:
“This is a very happy place to work, in fact it’s the happiest place I’ve ever worked”
Translation (A) = This is a very happy place to work, in fact it’s the happiest place I’ve ever worked
Translation (B) = I am not of this world, I am actually deluded and have no interest in what others think or say. The fact that staff turnover is high is just coincidental

On leaving:
“We really don’t want you to leave”
Translation (A) =  We really don’t want you to leave – because you will be hard to replace as you’re really valued by us all. Is there anything I can do to help you re-consider?
Translation (B) = If you leave we will get someone cheaper, so no worries. What did you say your name was?
Translation (C) = Please don’t go. If you leave we’ll be really screwed

On superiors making decisions:
“Yes”
Translation (A) = Yes
Translation (B) = No or Yes, Doh, Search me.
Translation (C) = Up to you.

That’ll do for now…