Things people say – (in the workplace)

Below are my translations of those things heard in or around the workplace. As such they really are open to interpretation…

When asked by a friend as to how you’re getting on in your job, you answer:
“It’s challenging”
Translation = I can’t tell you what I really think, it’s chaotic, and very demanding, like my superiors.

As part of a verbal job offer , the employer comes out with:
“I’ll look after you”
Translation (A) = Stick with us kid, this is the place to work. The opportunities and rewards are for the taking…
Translation (B) = This is not a pledge, so expect nothing from me. AKA You’re screwed.

On terms and conditions:
“We like to keep things fluid”
Translation = We make this up as we go along, and as such they are obviously subject to change. AKA What are ts and cs?

Boss on your salary:
“As you know we’re not the highest payers”
Translation = We pay what we can get away with and if you don’t like it pack your bags

The boss on hours:
“Some people work very long hours, you’re very much a 9 to 5 person”
Translation (A) = Some people work very long hours because we put them under extreme pressures, and they obviously love working here more than any family or social life
Translation (B) = Some people work very long hours because frankly they are inefficient and can’t manage their workloads.

Staff commenting on their boss:
“He’s an a**e”
Translation = He’s an a**e

Staff commenting on their boss:
“He’s an absolute nightmare”
Translation =  He’s an absolute nightmare

Boss on giving praise to staff
“Thanks”
Translation = Thanks

More on praise:
“Thanks, thanks very much, we really do appreciate your efforts”
Translation (A) = “Thanks, thanks very much, we really do appreciate your efforts”
Translation (B) = “Thanks for getting us out the s**t again”

On office vibes:
“This is a very happy place to work, in fact it’s the happiest place I’ve ever worked”
Translation (A) = This is a very happy place to work, in fact it’s the happiest place I’ve ever worked
Translation (B) = I am not of this world, I am actually deluded and have no interest in what others think or say. The fact that staff turnover is high is just coincidental

On leaving:
“We really don’t want you to leave”
Translation (A) =  We really don’t want you to leave – because you will be hard to replace as you’re really valued by us all. Is there anything I can do to help you re-consider?
Translation (B) = If you leave we will get someone cheaper, so no worries. What did you say your name was?
Translation (C) = Please don’t go. If you leave we’ll be really screwed

On superiors making decisions:
“Yes”
Translation (A) = Yes
Translation (B) = No or Yes, Doh, Search me.
Translation (C) = Up to you.

That’ll do for now…

9 ways to upset your boss….

1
If you do your job really well, meeting targets and hitting above your weight your boss should recognise your effort, making him the happiest person alive. Conversely it may work against you…as they may actually suspect you’ll be looking for a pay increase or other reward for your effort. Best do a bad/ mediocre job.

2
Be late. At least 15 minutes late should get their hackles rising… trot out different excuses each time, or better still say nothing and hope no one notices…

If you’re due to attend a meeting, ensure you’re ill prepared or better still, late. A Starbucks coffee in your hand will indicate your priorities

3
Another sure fire way to infuriate the boss and indeed others is to be unhelpful. You can argue you’re focussed on a task before you and remind them you are not a people person. You’d much rather bully those around you into doing your dirty work for you.  Being helpful is simply not in your nature. You are aware that colleagues of yours are under pressure but that’s their problem surely. Heard that before anywhere?

4
When problems arise, find a bucket of sand and plunge your head into it. This is the most cowardly action to take instead of asking for help, run for the hills. If you are the boss – This should pee everyone off, so you’d better shape up or ship out!

5
When something you’re involved in goes really poorly, don’t let on! Everyone around you will know you were responsible but dont let that bother you.

6
Work well, get noticed for being a real dynamo and change jobs. Preferably you will go to a competitor and can take useful knowledge and customers/ clients with you. That will be a huge disappointment to the boss…

7
Argue. Bosses don’t always know how to deal with experienced staff with questions or concerns. Some bad bosses will feel uncomfortable with you and the candid nature of your dialogue and will be prone to let rip at you. A good boss will let you have your say, then put you in your place.

8
Ask how the business is faring and trading position, along with any upcoming projects which you might be called upon to contribute to. If they squirm, and splutter you know you’ve hit gold.

9
Turn up to work inappropriately dressed. Causing a major distraction in the workplace is bound to upset the boss.

There are countless ways to upset the boss, whether that was your intention or not… Be wise.

The need for ethical Sales People

Even though I am not in sales myself I deal with a number of Sales people. If you are looking for a new job in Sales, or deciding on the sales strategy for the next Quarter… look out… and think and act ethically!

An established sales coach recently identified some of the bad habits displayed by (some) sales people. I don’t know how scientific or broad ranging this was, but he did go onto highlight some of the more serious short comings attributed to Sales people, and said that anyone doing 3 or more on the following list should be FIRED!

This should be taken seriously, because not only are they costing you and your company, sales and profit. Such individuals leave a trail of disasters and disgruntled colleagues and customers in their wake…

The 7 deadliest sins of sales people are:

1. Over-promising, and under-delivering in respect to delivery times
2. Missing rapport building opportunities,
3. Assuming you know what the potential customer wants without uncovering their key needs, wants or desires,
4. Habitually asking closed rather than open ended questions which get the customer talking,
5. Talking twice as much as listening, versus listening twice as much as you speak,
6. Talking to all the features of the product instead of spending time on the 3 main features which meet their needs!
7. Failing to make people feel special and valued

I know someone who does ALL on the above list and particularly excels at 4, 6 and 7. Somehow, amazingly he has survived thus far!

Recruitment Agents: They’re not all bad

Recruitment Agents do get a bad press.

Like other candidates who have ever felt let down, disappointed, annoyed, ignored, lied to etc by an agent I have some measure of sympathy as we all need a level of help, honesty and professionalism. The current job market is swamped with candidates wanting a job or job change and it is the Recruitment Agents skills and judgment (selling ability) which we should be able to draw upon in our ‘season of need’.

But not all criticsm is fair.

Some aggrieved individuals have even got into naming and shaming and posting online the names of the Agencies they would advise you and I to steer well clear of… Not sure that helps much.

Of course some of the larger Recruitment companies deal with the very large clients and there is a tendency for them to number crunch in order to get their ‘candidate’ statistics up to please their bosses, who seemingly only care how many interviews are happening and how many placements their staff are succeeding in.

I suspect that smaller companies will be well aware of the pitfalls and will (and should) be offering their candidates a better and more tailored service, by actually responding to emails, phone calls and listening to your actual needs. And acting on them. In this scenario we are also more likely to get proper advice and feedback from any interview.

Over the last few years I have met and spoken to a number of different consultants/ agents, and yes, I’ve been sold the dream, lied to,  left in limbo and ignored but I’ve also benefited from some of their wisdom and advice.

None of this is recruitment business is rocket science, all it needs is a bit of common sense, courtesy and good Communication! That is one of my biggest concerns.

It’s unfair to tarnish all Consultants in the same way as there will always be bad people in every industry (and that includes both Agents and candidates,). We, the job searcher still have to play our part too and be consistent and honest in our job searching. Bad experiences should not forgotten but learned from…

There are also some very good agencies around, who will give of their time, and take great pleasure in matching good applicants to good companies. Hopefully you and I will find the service and then the role we’ve been waiting for…

Frustrating it is at times, but we mustn’t give up!

Thinking of resigning?

If you’re seriously hacked off with your job or on the look out for a change, finding your next role in the current climate might prove tricky. But, when the time comes, there will be a few things to get in order. If you are already working, the first of these will be to quit, or put politely ‘hand in your resignation’.  Here are some ideas of how that might be actioned…

1  Wait until you are in the midst of a meeting with your bosses and when the time is right, cough a few times and tell them you need water. Leave the room, and rather than heading for the kitchen, make a beeline for your desk,  do a quick clear up, before reaching for the front door and freedom!
2  Leave a written note on your bosses desk – then scarper…
3  Send an email explaining that you had reason to leave the country immediately as you’d been found out. A consequence of this will mean you wont be back.
4  Fake your death. Risky as tabloid papers will track you down. But it saves awkward questions later at any exit interview.
5  Call your bosses into the meeting room and tell them your news face to face. Agree a leaving date, then return to your desk for the remainder of the working day. Say nothing about this to anyone and work diligently till you leave. Once the wailing of your boss dies down, go make or buy some cakes. This will be viewed as a peace offering and you will maybe for the first time in your employment be seen as a hero.
They may even make you an offer to stay. (Unlikely you will accept if they are fruit cakes)
Help formulate some handover notes and do what you can to help recruit a successor. When the big day comes, treat it like any other, work best you can, say some goodbyes and leave quickly. You will have no regrets, as you have given them your best efforts and your future employer awaits…

Of course, not all the above scenarios are ideal, you would be advised to treat this process wisely. Without causing grief for any ex-colleagues or those staff you wish to remain in touch with.
• Resign gracefully, and work your notice period (if you can) and remember you are not obliged to give your reasons for leaving, even though your employer may ask.
• Tell the staff what a great bunch they are and wish them every success for the future. Leave on a positive note, especially if you are reliant on them giving a good reference.
• If you’re leaving because you feel aggrieved in some way, after being treated poorly or unfairly, keep any comments brief and to the point even if you view your boss as a muppet,

Some unemployment stats

According to a recent study, the number of people out of work for longer than two years has soared to more than 400,000, the highest figure since 1997 – the total has more than doubled since the recession in 2008.

Of the 100,000 people over 50 who lost their jobs at the start of the economic crisis, (100,000!) many are now running the risk of being forced to retire earlier than they planned, and with a lower/ possibly much reduced pension.
It doesn’t look any rosier for the younger element either! The number of 18 to 24-year-olds who have been jobless for more than two years has almost trebled since 2008, from 36,000 to 95,000. Frightening statistics for any reader to accept.

When employers take on more workers they will (no doubt) offer the lowest they can get away with, and surprise surprise, that includes all age groups, not just teenagers and not just over 50s.
At the lowest end of the pay scale, the likelihood is that the lowest paid jobs will go to those who are frankly the most desperate for money and a job. (Not just Eastern Europeans) They’ll possibly also be required to work longer hours, with increased responsibility and of course will be expendable.

But, the tide will turn… When the job market improves, disgruntled staff will eventually move on to better jobs. Unfair bosses will see their workforce temporarily depleted and the jobless thousands of today will see the emergence of more jobs offering genuine opportunities…

How many times?

How many times have you, when job hunting received a message similar to ‘Unfortunately you have not met the full criteria for this role and therefore shall not be shortlisted’. or ‘We have decided not to continue with your application for this role’.

Some of the above messages are auto generated of course as ‘possible employers’ and recruitment agents like their standard messages rather than the personal touch.

It can be useful to find the reasons behind our unsuccessful failure, so we can adjust our applications or take remedial action but this is rare. How many are going to be honest with us anyway and say it’s because they want a younger model or don’t want to have to pay for experienced workers?

This causes irritation and is disappointing of course, but are we fooling ourselves if we deny these forms of (age) discrimination exists in the job market? Our response in such situations should be resolute, to press on and not give up, ever hopeful that our turn will come…