Game Over. (A new job awaits)

It’s been inevitable, but today was the day I finally moved on. My 3 weeks notice period was over.

I was fortunate in having a bit of a do with some work colleagues last night. Close to 5pm the advance party (incl me) took their seats at Avalon,  and rather smart pub in SW London. We were joined by others throughout the evening and had a meal together as we sank drinks and shared stories. All very civilised really, and great fun.

Today at 4 it was chocolate cakes and cookies and a surprise “Banner” and Card as well as generous gifts. It was time to say goodbyes and, when it came to it I actually said very little (for me anyway!). I didnt want to get drawn into saying anything cheesey or inappropriate (the reasons I’m actually moving on) I simply wanted to say thanks. So I said thanks, I shook hands, and I hugged and then made a bee line for the door…

I left my keys swinging in the door as I thought I would do, but someone did turn the lock after me.
I had made my exit and I was grateful for the thoughts and good wishes that accompanied me as I drove away.

“Game over”.

As a family we celebrated by sharing a KFC 8 Piece Bargain Bucket whilst watching iCarly…

What’s the best way to say goodbye to work colleagues?

There are many options, but not all are particularly clever.

1 Say nothing. Don’t even worry about tidying your workspace or desk. Just make for the exit, leaving the keys dangling from the key hole. Enjoy the moment as you run out punching the air  – as you probably won’t be invited back.

2 Say something. Tell your boss he’s a jerk and you hated every minute of working with him. This way you will be shown the door, so don’t worry about speeches or the state of your desk.

3 Say something. Better still say something appropriate and positive in your good bye note/ email / speech.

4 Do something and say something. If the employer wants to shower gifts on you, treat you to a meal with your colleagues or opens a tab in your favourite bar or club, dive in. What could possibly go wrong? That is unless you get wasted and say something offensive and let yourself down…

5 Do something and say something. Continue to do your job with integrity until the fat lady sings. Ensure your computer is clean of anything unbecoming, that anyone taking over your role has clear understanding of how you managed to do what you do including helpful notes and contacts etc.

Then, write an email that tells everyone how much you will miss them etc then make for the bar with your pals. You could then be subject to nice things being said about you and may get some sort of gift to mark the big day. If not, no worries, remember you didn’t leave in order to get plaudits. You left for other reasons. hopefully a better role somewhere else… Once you are sure the boss is settling the bill, relax. The next ones on him… and your goodbye conversations will be that more personal rather than formal.

6 Saying bye to every colleague personally with bear hugs and kisses is a great idea, but this is not always possible and there can be tears. Lots of them. Especially in an organisation of over 1000 staff. A courteous leaving email sent from your desk is another option and a tad more practical.

7 Top of my list and the one I’m quite likely to use myself in just under a weeks time  (Thank you God!) is the following message which communicates clearly the intention and with a limited use of words… It’s “I’m outta here!”

Hopefully you will settle on the best way to say your goodbyes, and remain in touch with those who made a positive difference to you… Good luck   🙂

Things people say – (in the workplace)

Below are my translations of those things heard in or around the workplace. As such they really are open to interpretation…

When asked by a friend as to how you’re getting on in your job, you answer:
“It’s challenging”
Translation = I can’t tell you what I really think, it’s chaotic, and very demanding, like my superiors.

As part of a verbal job offer , the employer comes out with:
“I’ll look after you”
Translation (A) = Stick with us kid, this is the place to work. The opportunities and rewards are for the taking…
Translation (B) = This is not a pledge, so expect nothing from me. AKA You’re screwed.

On terms and conditions:
“We like to keep things fluid”
Translation = We make this up as we go along, and as such they are obviously subject to change. AKA What are ts and cs?

Boss on your salary:
“As you know we’re not the highest payers”
Translation = We pay what we can get away with and if you don’t like it pack your bags

The boss on hours:
“Some people work very long hours, you’re very much a 9 to 5 person”
Translation (A) = Some people work very long hours because we put them under extreme pressures, and they obviously love working here more than any family or social life
Translation (B) = Some people work very long hours because frankly they are inefficient and can’t manage their workloads.

Staff commenting on their boss:
“He’s an a**e”
Translation = He’s an a**e

Staff commenting on their boss:
“He’s an absolute nightmare”
Translation =  He’s an absolute nightmare

Boss on giving praise to staff
“Thanks”
Translation = Thanks

More on praise:
“Thanks, thanks very much, we really do appreciate your efforts”
Translation (A) = “Thanks, thanks very much, we really do appreciate your efforts”
Translation (B) = “Thanks for getting us out the s**t again”

On office vibes:
“This is a very happy place to work, in fact it’s the happiest place I’ve ever worked”
Translation (A) = This is a very happy place to work, in fact it’s the happiest place I’ve ever worked
Translation (B) = I am not of this world, I am actually deluded and have no interest in what others think or say. The fact that staff turnover is high is just coincidental

On leaving:
“We really don’t want you to leave”
Translation (A) =  We really don’t want you to leave – because you will be hard to replace as you’re really valued by us all. Is there anything I can do to help you re-consider?
Translation (B) = If you leave we will get someone cheaper, so no worries. What did you say your name was?
Translation (C) = Please don’t go. If you leave we’ll be really screwed

On superiors making decisions:
“Yes”
Translation (A) = Yes
Translation (B) = No or Yes, Doh, Search me.
Translation (C) = Up to you.

That’ll do for now…

9 ways to upset your boss….

1
If you do your job really well, meeting targets and hitting above your weight your boss should recognise your effort, making him the happiest person alive. Conversely it may work against you…as they may actually suspect you’ll be looking for a pay increase or other reward for your effort. Best do a bad/ mediocre job.

2
Be late. At least 15 minutes late should get their hackles rising… trot out different excuses each time, or better still say nothing and hope no one notices…

If you’re due to attend a meeting, ensure you’re ill prepared or better still, late. A Starbucks coffee in your hand will indicate your priorities

3
Another sure fire way to infuriate the boss and indeed others is to be unhelpful. You can argue you’re focussed on a task before you and remind them you are not a people person. You’d much rather bully those around you into doing your dirty work for you.  Being helpful is simply not in your nature. You are aware that colleagues of yours are under pressure but that’s their problem surely. Heard that before anywhere?

4
When problems arise, find a bucket of sand and plunge your head into it. This is the most cowardly action to take instead of asking for help, run for the hills. If you are the boss – This should pee everyone off, so you’d better shape up or ship out!

5
When something you’re involved in goes really poorly, don’t let on! Everyone around you will know you were responsible but dont let that bother you.

6
Work well, get noticed for being a real dynamo and change jobs. Preferably you will go to a competitor and can take useful knowledge and customers/ clients with you. That will be a huge disappointment to the boss…

7
Argue. Bosses don’t always know how to deal with experienced staff with questions or concerns. Some bad bosses will feel uncomfortable with you and the candid nature of your dialogue and will be prone to let rip at you. A good boss will let you have your say, then put you in your place.

8
Ask how the business is faring and trading position, along with any upcoming projects which you might be called upon to contribute to. If they squirm, and splutter you know you’ve hit gold.

9
Turn up to work inappropriately dressed. Causing a major distraction in the workplace is bound to upset the boss.

There are countless ways to upset the boss, whether that was your intention or not… Be wise.

The need for ethical Sales People

Even though I am not in sales myself I deal with a number of Sales people. If you are looking for a new job in Sales, or deciding on the sales strategy for the next Quarter… look out… and think and act ethically!

An established sales coach recently identified some of the bad habits displayed by (some) sales people. I don’t know how scientific or broad ranging this was, but he did go onto highlight some of the more serious short comings attributed to Sales people, and said that anyone doing 3 or more on the following list should be FIRED!

This should be taken seriously, because not only are they costing you and your company, sales and profit. Such individuals leave a trail of disasters and disgruntled colleagues and customers in their wake…

The 7 deadliest sins of sales people are:

1. Over-promising, and under-delivering in respect to delivery times
2. Missing rapport building opportunities,
3. Assuming you know what the potential customer wants without uncovering their key needs, wants or desires,
4. Habitually asking closed rather than open ended questions which get the customer talking,
5. Talking twice as much as listening, versus listening twice as much as you speak,
6. Talking to all the features of the product instead of spending time on the 3 main features which meet their needs!
7. Failing to make people feel special and valued

I know someone who does ALL on the above list and particularly excels at 4, 6 and 7. Somehow, amazingly he has survived thus far!

Interview in a hurry…

Traffic was bad and it was raining. With 20 miutes to go I was stuck in traffic wondering if I should park up and hot foot it to the meeting place.

I spied an empty parking meter and started feeding it cash after a helpful Parking Attendant told me If I could wait until after 6pm parking would be somewhat cheaper. For me this was no real help, my interview was due at 6pm and I had precisely 6 mins if I was to arrive on time.

After changing my shirt and spraying something vaguely pleasant smelling in the rough direction of my armpits, I fed coins into the pay machine and ran. Thankfully in the right direction.

With 2 minutes to spare the guy on reception had phoned my interviewer and I could relax breifly. After a short pause it was up 21 flights of stairs for my meeting. (I jest). The lift delivered me to a security door on 21 and after pressing a big plastic button entered the lobby.

It was now after 6pm and I was soon joined by my interviewer who thrust some registration forms towards me. A few moments later while the ink was still drying the meeting was underway.

She was, how shall I say, efficient and not one for small talk, she was in a hurry. At least she had my CV with her, but as the discussion ensued it was little more than a prop…

By 6.35pm (I checked)  the appointment was over and I was descended the numerous floors at high speed, this time with another traveller. Within a further 5 minutes I was starting my car engine for the trip home. I felt strangely time warped?

Oh my, that was a swift interview, my shortest yet. Let’s hope the effort was worth it!

Smart thinking

Dear reader.

Every once in a while it is possible that we get what we can call true moments of genius. I am still hoping for one sometime soon.

With all this heavy rain fall, the smart thing to do would be to get a water butt, affix it to the downpipe at side of the house so we can be actively re-cycling / harnessing water as it gushes off our roof so when the dry patch comes we can tend our presently sunken garden… Maybe invest in a small jet ski boat and trailer. It could make trips to Tescos more interesting

The smart thing to do whilst we are in recession would be to continue to live out a life of thrift-iness, (?) shop around for the best deals, buy second hand (or not at all!), try negotiate charity shop prices down, lend stuff or borrow, or if possible try our green hands at growing our own and eat a diet of strawberrys, lettuce and potatoes. Maybe onions or beans too! Temporarily of course.

Another smart thing to do would be to get another job or a better job with prospects, a proper job description and an improved pay check on the 20th of each month. Easily said though.

The smart thing to do would be to reserve to do my daily book and Bible reading in the dry. Bath time is surely not the time or the place. It’s the time to get clean, contemplate, plan ahead. It is not the place to nod of and dunk the spine of the book in bubbles. A Kindle is out of question.

Most of the above are on my agenda… I even saw some water butts today, measured them and found a good location for them. Instead of taking the next natural step in parting with cash we walked away and bought some seeds and now have a garden deck area littered with brightly coloured pots. Soon to be full of floating seeds. Now we patiently await the dry season…. Regarding that four letter word, Work, my job hunt continues… steadily and surely.

My mobile phone, an essential tool in my job hunt is on the wane,the screen is knackered and dropping it on concrete yesterday didn’t help either. The smart thing to do would be to get it fixed or replaced. Thankfully those nice people at Virgin Mobile (who one can talk to after 9 minutes listening to a choice of pop or classical musak) are able to help and my monthly bills are set to reduce… Ker-ching! As my eldest son will say!

A new handset is on the cards. A Smart one of course.

I’ll get my coat…

Resigning. Some DO’s and DON’Ts

DO…
• Clean Your Computer/ Desk. Even if you give notice, your employer may decide to show you the door. Before you turn in your resignation, delete all personal files and personal notes and email messages. Make sure you have the contact information for everyone you need to keep in touch with after you’re gone.
• Give Notice. Unless the situation is untenable, giving anywhere between 2 weeks to One month in the UK standard practice when resigning. Check your terms and conditions of employment if you are unsure.
• Write a Resignation Letter. It’s a good idea to write a formal resignation letter for your employment file. You don’t need to say much more than you’re leaving and when your last day of work will be. Keep it simple.
• Offer to Help. Offer to help during the transition. The offer may not be accepted, but it should be appreciated.
• Ask for a Reference. Depending on the circumstances of your departure, ask your boss and colleagues if they would be willing to give you a reference. You can use this information in any way you choose.

DON’T…
• Be Negative. When you’re talking about your resignation with colleagues, try to emphasise the positive and (where you can) about how the experience has benefited you, even though it’s time to move on. There’s no point in being negative – you’re off, and you want to leave on good terms.
• Brag About Your New Job. Even if you just got your dream job, don’t bleat on about it. There is little point in making your soon to be ex-colleagues feel bad – because they’ll miss you
• Put too much in Writing. Regardless of how much you hate your job, your boss or the company, don’t say it. Keep that to yourself.
• Forget to Say AuRevoir. Before you leave, take the time to send colleagues a message, even a generic email. A leaving do may be organised, if this is a little formal or not your style, remember you can organise an informal get together and invite those you want to attend.